My boots were gone
I looked everywhere
They couldn't be found
Whoever stole them
From me, will get a pound.
I went to the store
The boots were sold out
I went on my knees
And started to pout
I walked out the store
In a crying shame
The thief, the scoundrel
I need his name...
After a year
Depressed 'bout the boots
I went to a psychic
About my fUture
She said," You will be
In the ocean
And you will become
In a whale's chompers
You will be in there
For a minute
Now I see
You will be naked."
I said," Yeah right. Bull.
The craziest thing I've heard.
Here's a $10 bill.
And besides, you look like a bird."
She put down her head
And began to cry
Yeah, I felt bad
So I gave her a french fry.
Her face lit up
She was filled with glee
We kissed and made up
Then we got married
We had three children:
Girl, boy, girl.
One time, I accidentally
Dropped the boy on the grill
He suffered
Third degree burns
He has grill line scars
On his buns
He got famous
Of those marks
People offer money
To take a pic of 'em in the park
One girl grew up
She became a snob
The other one's successful
She got a job
My wife and I
We got in fights
About Pinesol,
Pine trees, spray cheese, and lights
We got a divorce
She took my house
My money, my car
And my toy box
She only left me
With my boat
So I fixed it up
So it would stay afloat
I lived in it
It's not that homely
If I still had the kids
I wouldn't be lonely
I found
The boat keys between the seats
I always wondered
Where I put those dang things
I put the keys in
I started it up
I cranked up the gas
I'll go and have fun
I went miles in the ocean
More than you can see
Then I heard
A rumble at my feet
The boat started to go slower
This isn't good
Of course, I ran out of gas
Along with no food
After a year
Eating parts of the boats to survive
A really big cloud
Formed above in the sky
I started moving
Got tossed this way and that
My only blessed possession got tossed out
Sid, the baseball bat
Then all of a sudden
Everything stopped
It smelt kind of funny
It looked kinda dark
The only light
Was a little hole on the top
I stepped out of the boat
It was squishy like a wet mop
I screamed," Hello?"
It echoed all throught the darkness
A voice came back
"Hello my friend!"
Eveything rumbled
Everything shaked
The voice came back,
"You made me awake!"
"Who are you?"
I nervously wailed
The voice replied,
"Why, Ned the Whale!"
Then I realized
She's right! My ex!
I went in my pants
And pulled out a fish
I looked upwards
To look for the hole
I came across it again
The little light shone
I tried to reach
I jumped up and down
It was too high
A person's a noun
I asked Ned
For a little help
He said," Sure, buddy"
And lifted his toungue
I felt the gooiness
Slip into my shoe
It was icky
Yucky, ewwwww...
I grabbed for the hole
Got it; good.
I was out of there!
Yay! Woo-hoo!
I asked Ned
To bring me home
He said," No problem,
Just hold on!"
He went lightnong fast
I lost my clothes
Sooner than sooner
I was back home
I was naked
I felt free
But there was my ex
Waiting for me
She said," I was going to
Give you a second chance
But now since I see you're a perv,
Forget about that!"
She took the kids
Slammed her car door
Left; out of sight
I fell and cried on the floor
Then I noticed
A U-Haul in the next yard
It looked like
I got a new neihbor
I made a pie
Went to her front door
When she opened it
I dropped the pie on the floor
She was a transvestie
From the south of the border
I ran away screaming
Her moving here was just plain murder
It's been years now
My ex never came back
Hoping that she would give me
A third chance
I decided to get a job
Because I ran out on 'boat'
I needed food
Off to Wal*Mart
I got a job
Where I bought the gun
In the rifle section
Under the artificial sun
I belive that's the end
Of my tracks
These strories are really
28% fact
The end. Bubye.
See you next time
I like olives
I am a mime
Wait! I forgot one!
An adventure I forgot to tell you
Aboout the time
I went to Mime School
That'll have to wait
For a while
I feel really sick
I really hate my bile
Get away! Scat!
Leave me alone!
Do you people ever leave?
Get ot of my home!
Get away! Shoo! Get out! Get the (beep) out of my house! Go before I throw my chair at you! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!
akatimo@juno.com